just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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