Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
