is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
