yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
