Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
