i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
