if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
