every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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