I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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