i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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