I think im going to throw up on grandma
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize