Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
