I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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