Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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