the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We are two peas in an std pod
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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