His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
