I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
