I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
