I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize