Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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