"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
