I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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