Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize