After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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