new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
