So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
