Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
