There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
