listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize