Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
