this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
