How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
