Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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