just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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