Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
