i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize