How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize