words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
birth control should be required to get into college
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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