Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
