what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize