You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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