Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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