garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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