Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
