I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
