I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
