Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
