Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
