Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
