So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
