Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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