While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
