I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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