I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
FUCK WHALES
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
