Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
