Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize