Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
