I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
