i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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