I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
