Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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