You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
