I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
