A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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