Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
