I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
