It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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