So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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