Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
