i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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