I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
