Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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