True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
