It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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