i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
